Single on a Sunday: Changing the Conversation on Singleness

by Graeme Weatherston

Today I'm so excited to introduce you to Jessica Bufkin!! She is guest posting for us from Single Roots. I just love how she reminds me to entrust the details of my life to the Lord and how to look at God's provision in each and everyone of our lives.


A former junior high English teacher, Jessica Bufkin currently serves as Editor for
SingleRoots, a website that encourages Christian singles to be intentional with their lives
and offers many resources to assist them, including a review of Christian dating sites and
a free eBook, “When Will I Get Married? (and 7 Other Questions that Plague Singles).”

Changing the Conversation on Singleness

by Jessica Bufkin

Can we all just stop for a minute? Stop with the hollow clichés about dating. Stop with
the far-reaching explanations of why we’re still single. Stop with the pep talks of how
we’ll find someone, some day.

I know it doesn’t fit the stereotype of the Christian single, but I’m not perpetually
sad about my unmarried state.

I don’t wake up every morning and reluctantly convince myself that today is going to be
a good day even though I don’t roll over and see the love of my life on the pillow next to
me.

And just because I’m not sad about my singleness doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be
married—because I do. It’s one of the deepest longings of my heart.

I guess having been single for longer than I ever thought I would be, I feel like I’ve heard
it all, from both sides. There are days when I get frustrated with people for acting as if
I’ve not fully arrived because I’m in my thirties and not married. But there are also days
I get frustrated with singles who believe those lies and allow them to steal their joy and
zest for living.

I don’t have life and singleness all figured out. I don’t. But can I just tell you, despite
what others think about poor, pitiful singles, there is not an undercurrent of sadness
beneath everything I do.

I wish we could change the singleness conversation from one of consolation to one of
celebration—and that people would really mean it.

Because I mean it when I say I have been immeasurably blessed.

Do you know how much traveling I’ve been able to do on a whim in the past decade?

Or how many times I’ve been able to meet needs for my family, at the drop of a hat, that
others with spouses and kids weren’t able to do?

Or how many times I’ve been able to take a spontaneous road trip to check on a friend
who I could sense wasn’t doing well spiritually?

Or the jobs I’ve been able to take because I was mobile?

Or how much I’m able to hang out with youth and college students and enter fully into
their stories because I don’t have someone waiting on me at home?

None of those things are consolation prizes! They are my life, and I have loved, loved,
loved every moment of it.

Sure, there are moments of wistfulness and hope and prayers that one day I will
know the love that is found in marriage.

And if that ever happens, I pray that I have lived this lot in my life, this singleness, so
fully that I am left with little regret of how it might have been lived differently. Like
everything I’ve been entrusted, I pray I bless the Lord with it and steward it well—
regardless of my marital status.

LORD, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.
You guard all that is mine.
The land you have given me is a pleasant land.
What a wonderful inheritance!
I will bless the LORD who guides me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I know the LORD is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
[Psalm 16:5-8]



Have you posted about singleness lately?

Link up with us this week and let's share the encouragement. Please be sure to read and comment on the persons link before yours so we can share the single luv.

Rules for Link Up:

1. You must be a single woman.

2. Please list the NAME of your post. 

3. Please visit the 2 people who posted before you and offer them some encouragement.
4. Attach my button or link back to this page at the end of your post.

Non-Single Ladies I love you too and I'm sure Jessica would love any and all encouragement and comments from you!

Single on a Sunday Link-Up #1 Set Apart Sean Lowe

I was standing in the grocery line with my mother yesterday when my eyes landed on Us Magazine. In big capital yellow letters are the words.

VIRGIN

shocking.

Okay... so it said The VIRGIN Bachelor. 

My heart became sick as I looked at the subtitle stating that he was a 'born again Vrigin" and his "fiance" was "dealing" with his choice of celibacy.

I don't watch The Bachelor. It seems rather like the Esther harem. Girls brutally vying for one mans attention....but at this point, I'm more concerned that the article is focused on Sean Lowe's virginity and not his Christianity.

He's not a born again VIRGIN, he's a repentant and forgiven CHRISTIAN, and if he's engaged to someone who needs to "deal" with that, I pray that Sean makes a prayerful and wise final decision, and that if God leads him to marriage it will be a public testimony of faith.

Needless to say, I didn't buy a copy of the magazine, but I did do a quick google search on Sean Lowe, VIRGIN.Honestly, one article was enough to read. I couldn't read anymore because I got so upset and sick to my stomach.  I began following Sean on twitter however. I want to pray for him to continue his walk with God and to be a beacon to the world.

The Huffington Post quoted former Bachelorette Jillian Harris as saying “I just can’t get over the whole sex thing. What happens if he doesn't meet the right person -- he just won’t have sex until he does? This is crazy, as it's a huge part of a healthy relationship."


Reality TV World quoted a show source, "[The Bachelor's decision] can be a stress on a relationship. They need to see how the physical aspect affects them in the long run," said the show source, insisting that's why the couple isn't rushing to the altar."


I also did a quick search of TIm Tebow Virgin. The first line that popped up? 

"Football's most famous virgin, Tim Tebow, has reportedly broken up with actress Camilla Belle after a mere two months of dating.

Us Weekly reports that the relationship "just didn't work out." Hmm, we wonder why.

Could the couple have split because the 25-year-old New York Jets quarterback is saving himself for marriage?"

Tim may be a virgin, but it's BECAUSE he's a Christian. 

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
(Hebrews 13:4 ESV)

I know that God's heart is torn apart because of the persecution of these set apart men. 

As my friend Rachelle says, "We don't 'struggle' with sin we 'snuggle' with sin. If we were actually struggling we wouldn't be sinning.

I have made some unwise choices and have come very close to crossing lines I shouldn't cross in my dating life.  I believed the lies such as the ones perpetuated by comments like the ones above. 


Have you ever had someone break up with you because you wouldn't have sex with them? 

I have, and you know what? Praise God! I want to raise my children to respect the opposite sex, and honor God, and it would be a lot harder to relate to my godly children and encourage them through that if I had snuggled, as opposed to struggled with that sin.

Look, if God doesn't give you peace in your heart about what you're about to do, then DON'T DO IT. 

I know that's easier said than done, and we, in our search for independence, have found anxiety, sin, and brokenness, instead of the truth freedom and saving grace of God's word.

These two men are admirably struggling with sexual sin in a public way, I don't believe I'd be amiss in saying that they would give the glory of their struggles to God and not to themselves.


Being a 29 year old virgin, I can speak to the temptation of passion and desire. I can inform you of the awkward decision of just when to tell the person that you are dating that you are saving yourself for marriage, hoping that they won't leave you in that minute. I can testify to watching a man struggle through wanting the most sacred of intimacy, and needing to leave because their head is about to explode over the overwhelming temptation of it all. 

 I can also speak to the awkward, humorous conversations with Doctors;


The Anesthesiologist: "Are you pregnant? Are you sure? If you are pregnant we can't go through with this. IS there any chance you COULD be pregnant?"

My family doctor: "Are you sexually active? Are you dating anyone? Oh, that's why you're not sexually active huh?"

I have only had one doctor since I hit my teen aged years who believed me the first time I told her that I was a virgin. 

Is it really that uncommon? I wonder. 

Narrow is the path. 

We are set apart for the King of Kings. Daughters and Sons of the King.  Royalty does not behave in the same manner as the common people. 


There are over 200 bible verses about being set apart in this world.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

(Romans 12:2 ESV)

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.
(1 Peter 2:9 ESV)

I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world.

(John 17:15-18 ESV)

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

(Romans 12:1 ESV)

Read more here. 

The world may think that we are foolish,

There is a way that seems right to a man,
but its end is the way to death.
(Proverbs 14:12 ESV)

Outside are the dogs and sorcerers and the sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
(Revelation 22:15 ESV)

For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written,

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise,

and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.”

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe.

(1 Corinthians 1:18-21 ESV)

Oh friend Christ is  coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown. 
(Revelation 3:11 ESV)

If God SAYS we are to keep the marriage bed undefiled- the TRUTH of GOD which is foolish to man, is that when you keep your relationship centered on the Lord, and your marriage striving for a reflection of God's love for the church, it will NOT fail, and sex will NOT jut be a physical experience, but also a spiritual one.

I have struggled with these lies, I'm sure Tim, Sean and you have had similar thoughts go through your head. 

If I don't have sex with him, is he going to stay with me? Am I the only Virgin in the whole entire world? 

Is there a guy alive who is saving themselves for marriage? Is it even worth it, because he is probably sleeping around with some girl right now? 

Well Sean and Tim are not perfect, but they are proof that there are good Christian men who love Jesus, are celibate and girls all over are swooning over them.  I pray that God keeps them strong, and that they marry wonderful godly women. 

I confess my snuggling with sin. I'm a broken person and  have crossed lines I do not believe God would have had me cross.  For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

(Romans 7:15 ESV)

Have you snuggled with sexual sin or struggled with it?

That's what the good news of the gospel is for. Don't become a born again VIRGIN become a born again CHRISTIAN.

It may be impossible to remain celibate on your own accord, but with God, nothing is impossible.

We're starting off our Single on a Sunday link-up this week. 

If you are single and have a blog, please feel free to link up. 

Rules for Link Up:

1. You must be a single woman.

2. Please list the NAME of your post. 

3. Please visit the 2 people who posted before you and offer them some encouragement.
4. Attach my button or link back to this page at the end of your post.

<br /> <div class="Single on a Sunday-button" style="width: 150px; margin: 0 auto;"> <a href="http://reducationofthefemininesoul.blogspot.com"><br /> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik675w-dCeqpxuPE1QFbDOIcgn_bpPnYR7hfZOTYq3D7Kmi9tpbTYwHhm9pLGp9fUTwho7kSDkzhrUVsWPvNcC02XHyg_jJqiRX2XZYb4Tc6sFtEO-ApBKvv-9_X9kd3dFZ99AzF5UKKY/s350/300x300.jpg" alt="Single on a Sunday" width="150" height="150" /><br /> </a><br /> </div> <!--end button code box--><br />

That's it! 

Looking forward to reading about your lives! 

All You People Listen Up!!!!

Photo by imagerymajestic

My soul is letting out a guttural groan. I close my eyes as I feign a display of patience, I'm really just tired.

As I've been milling around in my mind, and praying about this ministry that God has seemingly placed on my heart I am becoming increasingly frustrated with a lack of good material and connection out there for single women.

Married women, I love you. I love your children, I love your husbands, I love all the crafty things you do to make a home for you and your family. I think your precious. In my heart of hearts I am jealous of you.

I would like everyone to know that, despite the fact that I am single, I am not 12 years old, nor am I a high school graduate, or in the middle of my college years. I am too close to thirty to say I'm pushing it, I have my masters degree and have been taking care of and living by myself (not very well) for almost ten years! I am not ugly, nor am I social outcast. I do not hate men. My singleness is not a choice I made. Nor do I want someone to condescendingly suggest that it is a blessing.

 I don't go out and party hardy on Friday and Saturday nights. It's hard to have a "girls" night because most of "the girls" are taking care of their children, or making dinner for their men.

I love my married friends, but it is increasingly hard to keep in touch with them because they can't set aside 30 minutes to an hour for a conversation.

I know the heart isn't there, but I am so frustrated with a weird implication that because I'm not married, I am somehow not grown up, or I'm less mature than a married woman who is a decade younger than me with children of her own.

I am tired of reading things about singleness being "a gift" of the holy spirit...which actually isn't even biblical. (Read What Paul is NOT Saying)

I am sick of married women my exact age telling me that I'm "still young" or "you've got time" and "don't wish your life away" or "being married isn't exactly all you think it is."

I don't complain too much about being single. I would much rather be single than dating, though I would much rather be married than single. I have come to accept singleness as a season in my life. It is a refiners fire I am walking through.

I found this little gem to be hilarious...because in a twisted way...I find it to be a little true.

Now I don't mean to insinuate that I am anywhere near as awesome as Neil Patrick Harris, :P but I AM suggesting that while other women are growing as wives and/or mothers I'm growing as well. I don't have any more or less growing to do. It's just my time to grow through a different means that God wants me to experience for whatever reason. 

Well, I'm instituting Single on a Sunday...once I figure out how this link-up party thing works.

I am asking - nay BEGGING all of the single women in the online Christian community to come forward and bring us encouragement. Show us your struggles. Share your craftiness and your cooking expertise, your homemaking prowess, your single woes, growth and joys. 

All you Single Ladies I need to know you're out there...and you're not between the ages of twelve and twenty one!